Struggling

So, I am not even sure what I want to say in this note. Other than I think the title of the note explains everything. I have been struggling with so much lately, and I don't feel as though I have any control over it, or even any strength to keep fighting.
When I was in the hospital a month or so ago, I received some pretty life altering news about a new health condition. It was something that, while I knew could happen, I never thought that it would. I had an incredibly difficult time connecting with God while I was in there. Though I had brought my Bible with me, and even my "Pocketbook of Truth," the idea of actually opening my Bible was something that I couldn't actually do.
Throughout this time, my friends were an amazing blessing to me. They gave up time to come hang out with me, energy sitting there with me and worrying about me, and most importantly, their love for me. I cannot express how much that meant and still means to me!
However, through all of this, and and more recently A LOT of family turmoil has had me questioning God and his presence in my life through all of this. I have had a very hard time being in the Word, and even praying. This is something that I struggled with heavily before coming back to Christ this past winter. I am very scared right now that my heart is becoming one of two things. Either incredibly vulnerable to Satan or incredibly hard to God. Neither one of those is a good thing.
I have been realizing a lot of things about myself these last few weeks. I am not the wisest person in the world, but I am thinking that these things make a lot of sense. I am realizing that because of the relationship that I have with my family-or lack thereof- it has really affected my ability to allow others to love and care about me, as well as made it difficult for me to allow myself to love and care about others. It is something that I didn't really realize until a few weeks ago, and now I am seeing how it is true in many aspects of my life. This makes me incredibly sad because I love my friends, and I love caring about them, but sometimes it just hurts too much, and I feel like I don't give them everything that I could.
I guess I am just tired of trying to fight anymore. I don't have strength or energy or courage anymore to fight..emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, or verbally. I am just done. I don't know what that means in a lot of ways, but I do know that I feel like I have nothing left to give. I am really struggling to find in myself the things that other people seem to so easily see. This has been a constant struggle within myself and my heart for the last year or so. I am grateful to everyone who has encouraged me and supported me and loved on me this last year. There are no words that could properly explain how much that has meant to me.
The worst part (I feel) of this situation, is that I feel guilty for feeling this way. I have so many great people who love me and love on me all the time, and I feel so guilty for feeling like I can't let them do that. I feel like I am slapping them in the face every time I deny them the opportunity to love me or care for me. I am desperately praying for wisdom and guidance and the strength to open and soften my heart to this and others.
Thank you to everyone who has been there for me! I love you all so much! May your holidays be blessed and happy and wonderful!