Psalm 22

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O, my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent." Psalm 22:1-2. The first two verses really speak to my heart, like no other verse right now. This says everything that I am feeling. I feel like no matter how much I pray to God and call to him, he is not there. This was given to me by Steve to read. He wanted me to make the connection that it was Jesus that the Psalm was referencing.
It was recently said to me by my mother(who doesn't read the Bible, go to church, or do anything to live her life in the way of the Lord), that because I am struggling with God and struggling in my faith in Him that I am not a true Christian. This is obviously an untrue statement. At some point, everyone struggles in their walk with the Lord. If they try to say otherwise they are full of crap.
This week is marked by bittersweet happenings. Obviously, the end of the semester is a beautiful thing! No more classes, no more exams, no more anything!!! However, I will miss the community that is being in classes. There is a certain amount of comfort that came from knowing that twice a week I would sit next to Andreya in Food and Nutrition and laugh about what Dr. Joe said that day. However, I do feel that the distance is going to really try these relationships and help to prove that they are not based solely on the fact that we gather around a table everyday and hang out, or that we meet once a week for an hour and a half at CRU. I think that this was shown over the summer when, even from miles apart, I was still blessed and loved by all of the people who have come into my life this last year.
The fact that I have been involved with this community for almost a year, and have found more unconditional love and acceptance in that time than I think I ever will from my family. The other day I was forced to answer the tough question of "Why have you been angry at God?" I know that this question was asked out of complete love and care for me, and he was just looking out for my heart. My heart is something that I am having a hard time listening to. Somedays I feel like I am being called to do one thing, and then other days it's something completely different. I think that I have had more constant reminders these last few weeks and even months, about just how great is everyone's love for me.
Steve and Sandy have blessed me by giving me the gift of family. They have opened their home and hearts to me. They have graciously invited me to spend the holidays with them so that I don't have to go home to the family that does nothing but tear me down continually. I will miss the memories that I have of Christmas morning traditions, but for my heart, this is such a better place to be. My heart is slowly trying put itself back together. Every time I feel like I am making any kind of progress, someone comes along and completely shatters it back into a bunch of pieces. I have been told that the reason that this hurts so much is because I have finally started to allow myself to feel again. I was numb to everything for so long that now that I can feel, all I feel is sad, almost all of the time. Even in the few, brief moments when I feel like my heart will allow me to be happy, I still just feel sad.
I am praying that this will pass eventually and that I can be happy more often and allow myself to be happy when the good things happen in my life. There have been so many good things and it is just incredibly difficult for me to be able to rejoice in them. Someday, God will let that happen. Until then, I will just keep trying to pray and continue in this journey of walking through life with the Lord.