I haven't posted in quite some time. To say that this year has been very different than what I expected would be an understatement.
I started off the year in a very dysfunctional relationship, not really sure where things were heading with it, but I knew it wasn't healthy, but yet for some reason that made it all the more appealing to me. Ever notice that is typically the way it works in life? The more we know we shouldn't have something, the more we want it? I guess that is also part of being broken humans.
I wasn't financially in a good situation, at least not as good as I would have liked to have been in due to some unforeseen medical issues. I was super blessed in my living situation, so I wasn't as bad off as I could have been, but I wasn't where I wanted to be.
I was struggling at work. I was struggling with my purpose and feeling like I was making a difference. I was struggling with feeling like I somehow didn't belong there. I had been the new kid on the block and I was having a hard time finding my place and feeling like I fit in, which as it turned out, I do!
All of these things to say, I am sitting here, halfway through the 2014, and less than a month before my 28th birthday! OMGoodness! I am going to be 28! I need a moment to freak out about this detail in my life! I look around at some of my friends, and I think about how unaccomplished I am in my life. But then I ask, "Unaccomplished according to who? By whose standards?" I am have a beautiful life. I have 2 full time jobs, a part time job, I have my wonderful friends, I have my sister, Virtue, who I am not sure if it is safe for us to be together in public with the things that come out of our mouths! I have lots of other family that supports me as well.
I am excited to see what the next 6 months of 2014 bring my way! I cannot believe how things have changed in just a few short months! I am in such a better place financially, and for the first time, actually have money in the bank. And not just a few dollars until pay day. Like real money. With zeros behind it! I have felt so fulfilled at the end of the school year when my student was promoted to 1st grade! I helped with that! It made it all seem worth it!
As far as not fitting in at work....I think I kicked that stupid thought to the curb. I have found so many good people at my jobs and I have been blessed to get to know them and journey through the school year with them! They have been so supportive and encouraging to me when I was struggling! That support meant so much to me!
And lastly, the relationship- while I wish I could say that we were able to stay friends, that wasn't the case, and I realized I deserve better than what I was settling for. I am working on me and trust that when God is ready to show me the man that is meant to pursue me and that is worth trusting with my heart, that He will. For now, it's all about having fun and getting ready to celebrate my birthday MONTH! That's right, I get a whole month!
Monday, June 16, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
5 Stages of Grieving -Anger
Anger is not an emotion that I usually care to spend much time on. In fact, out of all the emotions, only next to jealousy, it is the one I care for the least. Yet, somehow, Satan knows this, and is really working at keeping me at anger this week.
I find myself struggling through the grieving process over the loss of a friendship. No, this person did not die, but I am realizing that I need to be more obedient to what God calls us to do in Scripture. He tells us that it's okay to prune people out of our lives that don't bear fruit. This is something that I have struggled with for many years in my life.
I always give people second, third, fourth, twentieth chances. I keep allowing people into my life, even after they continue to hurt me. Somehow I feel like that is what I am supposed to do because I am a Christian and it's what God would want me to do. What I am realizing though, is that I am also God's chosen and beloved daughter and God would NEVER want me sobbing my eyes out because I've been hurt and broken so many times by the very people that swore they would never hurt me in the ways that I'd been hurt my whole life.
It's funny how Satan works in that way. He finds the very insecurities you struggle with the most, and uses them to break you down. I have chosen to keep trusting, despite being broken down over and over again. Anger has finally gotten the best of me. I went through Depression. Depression lasted only for a short time. Literally, a night. Anger came in the morning, and hasn't left. And from where I am sitting, it doesn't look like it plans on going anywhere any time soon.
I suspect Denial and bargaining are going to come about the same time. They are going to be equally difficult to deal with and I know that Satan is going to try to trick me into believing that I am not doing the right thing by ending this friendship. Sometimes people don't bear fruit into your life and it's okay to prune those people out of your life.
Usually my anger disappears as quickly as it comes on. I process through the situation in my head, pray about it, and then move on from it. This time, the more I process through it, the angrier I become. The more I pray about it, the angrier I become. I don't know what the difference is this time.
I am almost welcoming denial and bargaining. Anger seems to want to control everything. From daily conversations, prayer time, to even me being agitated with the cat for no reason.
Go Away ANGER!
I find myself struggling through the grieving process over the loss of a friendship. No, this person did not die, but I am realizing that I need to be more obedient to what God calls us to do in Scripture. He tells us that it's okay to prune people out of our lives that don't bear fruit. This is something that I have struggled with for many years in my life.
I always give people second, third, fourth, twentieth chances. I keep allowing people into my life, even after they continue to hurt me. Somehow I feel like that is what I am supposed to do because I am a Christian and it's what God would want me to do. What I am realizing though, is that I am also God's chosen and beloved daughter and God would NEVER want me sobbing my eyes out because I've been hurt and broken so many times by the very people that swore they would never hurt me in the ways that I'd been hurt my whole life.
It's funny how Satan works in that way. He finds the very insecurities you struggle with the most, and uses them to break you down. I have chosen to keep trusting, despite being broken down over and over again. Anger has finally gotten the best of me. I went through Depression. Depression lasted only for a short time. Literally, a night. Anger came in the morning, and hasn't left. And from where I am sitting, it doesn't look like it plans on going anywhere any time soon.
I suspect Denial and bargaining are going to come about the same time. They are going to be equally difficult to deal with and I know that Satan is going to try to trick me into believing that I am not doing the right thing by ending this friendship. Sometimes people don't bear fruit into your life and it's okay to prune those people out of your life.
Usually my anger disappears as quickly as it comes on. I process through the situation in my head, pray about it, and then move on from it. This time, the more I process through it, the angrier I become. The more I pray about it, the angrier I become. I don't know what the difference is this time.
I am almost welcoming denial and bargaining. Anger seems to want to control everything. From daily conversations, prayer time, to even me being agitated with the cat for no reason.
Go Away ANGER!
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