Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Sum of My Past Mistakes

I didn't know that my heart could break this much, but it did. I always knew that someday the mistakes of my past would come back to haunt me. I jut never expected it to hurt so much when they did.
To say that I wasn't living a Christian lifestyle for a few years would be an understatement. I was drinking all the time, having sex with my boyfriends, even a couple one night stands. I am not proud of these things or the way that I used to live my life, but I know that I am no longer that person. I had been looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. I had grown up never hearing that I was beautiful, feeling unloved by my parents, especially my dad, who was not only physically but emotionally absent from my life. I am not making excuses for the bad choices that I made in my life, but not having someone to show and tell me what love really looks like, it made it really easy to try to find it in all the wrong places.
I had been made to believe that because I am a different person, and I have been made a new creation in Christ, that my past sins were no longer what defined who I am. Well, apparently I was misinformed. I will forever be identified by the sum of my past mistakes.
Maybe someday, there will be someone that can love me for the mistakes I've made and will love me in spite of them, and instead of not loving me because of them. I have never felt that I deserved to be loved and now I know why. It's a painful truth that I have to come to accept.
In John a woman is brought to Jesus who was caught in the act of adultery. The Pharisees wanted to test Jesus, so they asked Him what should be done to her. Jesus states that the first person who is without sin could be the first to cast a stone. One by one people began walking away. By His own words Jesus was the only one who could have thrown a stone at her. However, instead of condemning her He tells her to go, and sin no more. If Jesus, who was like us in all ways but sin, can not only not condemn a woman, who by his own words he should have, but also forgave her, then I should also be forgiven, no? This passage was my penance once. I didn't understand the importance of it at the time. Now I understand it was probably one of the better penances I have ever received.
One of the only things worse than the actual shame of having lived this lifestyle, is to know that it will follow me wherever I go.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Dear Lord,

Dear Lord,
That is how most of my journal entries start out. I have always been a big fan of journaling. I remember writing pages in my diary. Yes, I had a diary. It was the one place I could say and think whatever I wanted, and I couldn't get in trouble. Or so I thought. I will never forget that sinking feeling when I found out that my mother had been reading my diary all along. Now, as an adult, I am very protective of my journals.
Somewhere along the lines, they stopped being diaries and started becoming my means of communication with God. I know that God hears me when I talk to Him, but I also know that He hears me when I write to Him. I am not always the most eloquent speaker, and I have found great solace and comfort in writing things down when I don't know what to say.
If you are new to my blog you might think that I don't often make alot of sense in the things that I write. Well, sorry about your luck. If you are looking for something that is beautiful and flows well from one thought to the next, you are in the wrong place. I pretty much write whatever I am feeling in the moment, and it might not all make sense. I think that is why I started to journal my prayers to God, because I didn't think they were making a whole lot of sense (not that writing them down is going to guarantee that they do, either).
In spiritual direction the other day, I was instructed by Fr. Matt to keep praying and journaling about the things we talked about. I thought that this was going to be one of the harder assignments that I had been given. However, I realized that if this is the way that I talked to God, then it should be easy.
The other day, while having a conversation with my good friend Steve, I expressed that I had been having a really hard time finding God in things and that I was sad all the time. He reminded me that I had come from a really bad desert, and God had led me to a pond of water to drink from, and now that I have drank and experienced love and friends and being loved, God is moving me forward through the rest of the desert and onto a bigger lake of water.
I have been so blessed these last three years with the most amazing people in my life. I cannot even begin to put into words how wonderful these people are. Cameron, Marley, Steve, Sandy, Andrew, Brittany, Anthony, Katie, and Michael just to name a few. As Steve told me, not only am indeed loved, I am LOVABLE! Who knew? Not me, that's for sure! It has been a sweet realization and feeling since hearing that. I'm not saying I completely believe it, but it's a sweet thought nonetheless.
These are my crazy thoughts. I hope you all enjoy them!
Love your daughter,
Jasmine