Monday, June 1, 2015

How to weather the storm of being let down?

I've often wondered how people come to terms with never being given the desire of their hearts. Whether it's to finish college, get married, own a house debt free, travel the world, or fill in any of the other countless blanks that are on people's bucket lists. For me, this desire is to have children of my own. Many of you reading this might be really surprised by the fact actually, but through growing and maturing these past few years God has changed my heart in so many ways. Now the thing that I desire more than anything else is the one thing that I will never have.

Being at an age where many of my friends (a lot of them younger than me) are getting married and having babies has been a constant struggle and ache on my heart. While I am and will always be joyful and happy for them, there will ALWAYS be the small part of my heart that is so jealous and sad because I want that so much. God has brought so many children into my life to redeem the fear and self doubt that I have carried around for years about my desire to even be a mom. 

There is a time every month that I sob my eyes out. Every month I am faced with the harsh reality that I will never carry a child of my own. That I will never feel a life grow inside of me. That I will never hear MY baby's heartbeat for the first time on the sonogram machine. I will never get to argue with my husband over baby names (Olivia Rose for a girl and James Andrew for a boy). I will never get to know the reward and triumph of holding my baby in my arms after struggling to labor and birth them for hours. Every month I suffer through the hassle of being a woman, but will never get to experience the reward of that, and it is enough to bring me to tears every month, usually more than once.

I know that there are many woman who struggle with not being able to have children, and please know of my deep prayers and sorrow for you. I just don't know how to not be angry at God sometimes. It almost seems cruel and mean that he would change my heart in this way and then not give me the very thing that he taught me to desire. I am spent many hours in spiritual direction trying to process this through many tears, much anger, and prayer. And I still come up feeling empty, lost, and alone. 

Sometimes I feel as though I am being punished (though in my heart I know that is not how God works, sometimes our hearts and our brains aren't always in sync). I want to know how people come to deal with not getting the desires that are written so boldly on their hearts?