Closed doors, open windows

Okay, God.

It's been said "when God closes a door somewhere else he opens a window. Well, God. You have closed door after door this summer. Where is the window? I am starting to suffocate here. No more school, didn't get either of the jobs I applied for, and my job is closing in a few weeks. Needless to say, I am feeling very lost.

Yesterday, while in Big Lots I found a journal that had this phrase on it. I felt like God was trying to tell me something, especially since people have been telling me this for weeks now. I am trying to trust in their words and God's providence.

During spiritual direction, it was said that I might be going through spiritual desolation. After learning more about what this means, I realized there might be some truth to that. I have had an incredibly difficult time praying, going to Mass, reading the Bible, and feeling God's presence. After all of the things I have gone through, it almost seems crazy that I could now be going through all of this, especially considering where I was three years ago. But here I am, feeling abandoned and alone. The only difference is, I have people in my life now that I can talk to about this and seek help from.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Christ said this as he hung on the cross, dying for us. I know that the suffering I am going through is nothing compared to what Jesus suffered, but it still hurts just the same, ya know? I wish I could believe everyone when they say that God is here, with me.

After a conversation with a close friend, he explained that I am not a failure because things aren't working out in my life the way that I had tried to make them. I am learning that just because I am 25 years old, not finished with college, don't have a full time job, am single, and clearly very lost, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me.

I'm learning to live and love again. It's a daily struggle to allow myself to be loved. I have been blessed so much by so many wonderful people in my life. They mean more to me than I can ever say. Allowing them to love me and care about me is more difficult than I ever realized. I have to remind myself that I am worthy of being loved and cared about. I love that they love me, in spite of my brokenness. And let's be real, I am BROKEN!

My spiritual director told me that I am supposed to say "Jesus, I trust in You" every single day, even multiple times a day. Saying this everyday isn't what's hard. Believing it and accepting it is what is so difficult. Everyday, with the love and support of the people in my life, and God (when I'm not struggling), I am beginning to heal.