So, this past week with possibly the most amazing family ever. I felt so blessed this Christmas. I went home with the Steve and Sandy and their 3 bundles of joy. We had so much fun! My favorite part was the taps on my arm followed by "Miss Jasmine, it's 6 o'clock. We see a light on, can we go downstairs?" Made me laugh every time.
Wednesday morning was the start of it all. Danny had so much energy that morning it was as if he had drank a pot of coffee plus 3 Monster drinks. Steve and I kept telling him to calm down, but he was just bouncing off the walls...so funny to watch. We finished packing the car...and by we I mean Steve, and drove to Cleveland....fun times had by all! Once we got to Steve's parents' house, I left to begin my day of adventures. I started with a visit to my sister at work....she works at Starbucks in Barnes and Nobles book store. We had lunch together while she was on her break. I then went and visited my brother and took him his Christmas gift, which as it turns out, he threw away. Kinda makes me angry that I spent money on him. After that I went and picked up my winter coat from my mom's house. She wasn't home, so that made that alot easier. I then went to visit my grandpa, which was really great. I hadn't seen him since last Christmas. I spent over an hour just talking to him and telling him what's been going on in my life and hearing about the medical problems he has been having and what has been going on with the rest of my family.
After that I went to visit my step-dad and sister for a little bit. It was really great to see them! I love my sister so much! Then I went to see my other sisters at their job. They are waitresses at am Italian restaurant. I had dinner there so I could hang out with them. Then I went to my aunt's house for a couple hours to see her and my cousin. That was also a good time. We talked about alot of different things and what's been going on in my family while I have been away. It felt really great to be able to catch up with her. After I left her house I went to hang out with a friend. That was a good time. Then it was back to the Rieske house for the night.
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were spent with the Gants, which is Sandy's family. We had a lot of fun. Her mom even got my a couple Christmas presents. Then Steve's parents came over and his mom had gotten me something as well. Steve and Sandy also got me a couple gift certificates and some sugar-free candy(of which is half gone). Friday night I made the mistake of checking my Facebook, only to discover that my brother had let my mother write on my wall from his page, and they were not nice words. She also sent me a message from my sister's page, and at the time I was so pissed I deleted them both, thinking that they had both let her do this.
Luckily after speaking to my sister last night I found out that she had no idea. Which is very comforting.
Saturday we drove back to BG, and it was a very productive two and a half hour car ride with Steve and Sandy. We talked about all kinds of things, and of course Steve made me cry because that's what he does. Although, Sandy also made me cry, so I don't know what that means lol.
I am not packing for IndyCC. So excited to experience this!!! I am hearing that this week will be a wonderful experience and something that I will remember.
Look for a detailed account when I get back!!!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Oh, How He Loves Us!
So, as I am sitting in my friends apartment, attempting to pack my bags for the next week and a half, I am faced with lots of thoughts running through my head. Most of them sad, but some are excitement. Excitement for the unknown. I have never experienced Christmas with anyone but family, so this will be a new concept. I know that Steve and Sandy love me, as do Narnia and Danny, and even baby P, but it is still scary to be experiencing something new. I am also excited for what Christmas Conference will bring. I have never been to this before, and I am excited to know that will come of the 5 days and 4 nights that will be spent with thousand of CRU students from all over the region, and the staff that so fearlessly leads our CRU every week and all year long.
I am mostly sad though, because as much as my family is not healthy for me, I miss them, and wish that I could spend Christmas with them. However, I know that it is not a good idea, and it will only be more harmful to me for me to be there.
I have been working on trying to not be sad all the time, but it is a daily process. One day and one struggle at a time. I have thought for some time now that I might benefit from taking anti-depressant meds, but I am still trying to most succumb to those thoughts, out of fear of seeming weak. I don't want to seem like I can't handle my emotions, and that I don't know how to turn them over to God and let Him work in my life. I think that he is truly working in my life in every way possible. He is giving me the courage to try something new and separate myself from everything I have known and is asking me to trust in Him to lead me through this hard time in my life. He is trying to show me how to protect my heart and not allow it to be hurt anymore by the people that have hurt me in the past and continue to hurt me know.
I am looking forward to what this holiday season will bring and I hope that I can allow my heart to receive the love from the people in my life that want to give it to me.
I love you all so much!
I am mostly sad though, because as much as my family is not healthy for me, I miss them, and wish that I could spend Christmas with them. However, I know that it is not a good idea, and it will only be more harmful to me for me to be there.
I have been working on trying to not be sad all the time, but it is a daily process. One day and one struggle at a time. I have thought for some time now that I might benefit from taking anti-depressant meds, but I am still trying to most succumb to those thoughts, out of fear of seeming weak. I don't want to seem like I can't handle my emotions, and that I don't know how to turn them over to God and let Him work in my life. I think that he is truly working in my life in every way possible. He is giving me the courage to try something new and separate myself from everything I have known and is asking me to trust in Him to lead me through this hard time in my life. He is trying to show me how to protect my heart and not allow it to be hurt anymore by the people that have hurt me in the past and continue to hurt me know.
I am looking forward to what this holiday season will bring and I hope that I can allow my heart to receive the love from the people in my life that want to give it to me.
I love you all so much!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Motherhood
So this evening I was baby-sitting and as I stood, rocking the younger boy to sleep, who also happened to be pretty sick, I was hit with this intense wave of desire to have children. Now, if you know me, you are probably a little confused because all you have ever heard me say is how much I don't want children. However, this really is a combination of a couple things.
First, I am terrified to have children because of my mother. She did not raise me using compassion, love, empathy, or a desire to understand me. Today, I realized that I could do this. As I held the sick, crying baby in my arms and rocked him to sleep, I realized that I could be a great mother, not because of who my mother was, but because of who she wasn't. I have so many strong mother examples in my life now, that it has completely overshadowed the horrible-ness that was her mothering. I have seen Sandy, Amy, Mel, and all the other mothers in my community, and realized that I have something that she didn't...God. With Him I all things are possible.
However, now that I have made the realization that I can be a good mother, and that I want children, God has almost all but taken that away from me. This is a huge part of why I have been so angry with God over the last few months. When I was in the hospital I found out that because of all of the diseases that I have it will be incredibly difficult for me to get pregnant, and if I did, it would be very unlikely that I would be able to carry the baby to term. I know that I have spent a lot of time saying that I don't want children, but the option was always there. I knew that once I was diagnosed with the blood clots that it would be an incredibly difficult process to get pregnant and then to have a healthy baby and worrying about all the possible complications that could happen to me. Now, with the new medical conditions it is going to virtually impossible. I never knew how much I wanted children until the possibility of being able to have them was taken away.
I know that adoption is always available, and is an amazing gift to give to a child, but the greatest gift that a woman can give a man is a child of his own. Especially in the CRU community that is something that is so important to the men of that community. I feel like I am somehow broken and that most men aren't going to want to marry me because I won't be able to give them the gift of a child.
I have been feeling angry at God because it is really hard for me to try to understand why He would do this, on top of all the medical conditions that he has given me. I am feeling like this might be my punishment for all the horrible things I did as a child. I don't know. It's worth a thought though.
First, I am terrified to have children because of my mother. She did not raise me using compassion, love, empathy, or a desire to understand me. Today, I realized that I could do this. As I held the sick, crying baby in my arms and rocked him to sleep, I realized that I could be a great mother, not because of who my mother was, but because of who she wasn't. I have so many strong mother examples in my life now, that it has completely overshadowed the horrible-ness that was her mothering. I have seen Sandy, Amy, Mel, and all the other mothers in my community, and realized that I have something that she didn't...God. With Him I all things are possible.
However, now that I have made the realization that I can be a good mother, and that I want children, God has almost all but taken that away from me. This is a huge part of why I have been so angry with God over the last few months. When I was in the hospital I found out that because of all of the diseases that I have it will be incredibly difficult for me to get pregnant, and if I did, it would be very unlikely that I would be able to carry the baby to term. I know that I have spent a lot of time saying that I don't want children, but the option was always there. I knew that once I was diagnosed with the blood clots that it would be an incredibly difficult process to get pregnant and then to have a healthy baby and worrying about all the possible complications that could happen to me. Now, with the new medical conditions it is going to virtually impossible. I never knew how much I wanted children until the possibility of being able to have them was taken away.
I know that adoption is always available, and is an amazing gift to give to a child, but the greatest gift that a woman can give a man is a child of his own. Especially in the CRU community that is something that is so important to the men of that community. I feel like I am somehow broken and that most men aren't going to want to marry me because I won't be able to give them the gift of a child.
I have been feeling angry at God because it is really hard for me to try to understand why He would do this, on top of all the medical conditions that he has given me. I am feeling like this might be my punishment for all the horrible things I did as a child. I don't know. It's worth a thought though.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Psalm 22
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O, my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent." Psalm 22:1-2. The first two verses really speak to my heart, like no other verse right now. This says everything that I am feeling. I feel like no matter how much I pray to God and call to him, he is not there. This was given to me by Steve to read. He wanted me to make the connection that it was Jesus that the Psalm was referencing.
It was recently said to me by my mother(who doesn't read the Bible, go to church, or do anything to live her life in the way of the Lord), that because I am struggling with God and struggling in my faith in Him that I am not a true Christian. This is obviously an untrue statement. At some point, everyone struggles in their walk with the Lord. If they try to say otherwise they are full of crap.
This week is marked by bittersweet happenings. Obviously, the end of the semester is a beautiful thing! No more classes, no more exams, no more anything!!! However, I will miss the community that is being in classes. There is a certain amount of comfort that came from knowing that twice a week I would sit next to Andreya in Food and Nutrition and laugh about what Dr. Joe said that day. However, I do feel that the distance is going to really try these relationships and help to prove that they are not based solely on the fact that we gather around a table everyday and hang out, or that we meet once a week for an hour and a half at CRU. I think that this was shown over the summer when, even from miles apart, I was still blessed and loved by all of the people who have come into my life this last year.
The fact that I have been involved with this community for almost a year, and have found more unconditional love and acceptance in that time than I think I ever will from my family. The other day I was forced to answer the tough question of "Why have you been angry at God?" I know that this question was asked out of complete love and care for me, and he was just looking out for my heart. My heart is something that I am having a hard time listening to. Somedays I feel like I am being called to do one thing, and then other days it's something completely different. I think that I have had more constant reminders these last few weeks and even months, about just how great is everyone's love for me.
Steve and Sandy have blessed me by giving me the gift of family. They have opened their home and hearts to me. They have graciously invited me to spend the holidays with them so that I don't have to go home to the family that does nothing but tear me down continually. I will miss the memories that I have of Christmas morning traditions, but for my heart, this is such a better place to be. My heart is slowly trying put itself back together. Every time I feel like I am making any kind of progress, someone comes along and completely shatters it back into a bunch of pieces. I have been told that the reason that this hurts so much is because I have finally started to allow myself to feel again. I was numb to everything for so long that now that I can feel, all I feel is sad, almost all of the time. Even in the few, brief moments when I feel like my heart will allow me to be happy, I still just feel sad.
I am praying that this will pass eventually and that I can be happy more often and allow myself to be happy when the good things happen in my life. There have been so many good things and it is just incredibly difficult for me to be able to rejoice in them. Someday, God will let that happen. Until then, I will just keep trying to pray and continue in this journey of walking through life with the Lord.
It was recently said to me by my mother(who doesn't read the Bible, go to church, or do anything to live her life in the way of the Lord), that because I am struggling with God and struggling in my faith in Him that I am not a true Christian. This is obviously an untrue statement. At some point, everyone struggles in their walk with the Lord. If they try to say otherwise they are full of crap.
This week is marked by bittersweet happenings. Obviously, the end of the semester is a beautiful thing! No more classes, no more exams, no more anything!!! However, I will miss the community that is being in classes. There is a certain amount of comfort that came from knowing that twice a week I would sit next to Andreya in Food and Nutrition and laugh about what Dr. Joe said that day. However, I do feel that the distance is going to really try these relationships and help to prove that they are not based solely on the fact that we gather around a table everyday and hang out, or that we meet once a week for an hour and a half at CRU. I think that this was shown over the summer when, even from miles apart, I was still blessed and loved by all of the people who have come into my life this last year.
The fact that I have been involved with this community for almost a year, and have found more unconditional love and acceptance in that time than I think I ever will from my family. The other day I was forced to answer the tough question of "Why have you been angry at God?" I know that this question was asked out of complete love and care for me, and he was just looking out for my heart. My heart is something that I am having a hard time listening to. Somedays I feel like I am being called to do one thing, and then other days it's something completely different. I think that I have had more constant reminders these last few weeks and even months, about just how great is everyone's love for me.
Steve and Sandy have blessed me by giving me the gift of family. They have opened their home and hearts to me. They have graciously invited me to spend the holidays with them so that I don't have to go home to the family that does nothing but tear me down continually. I will miss the memories that I have of Christmas morning traditions, but for my heart, this is such a better place to be. My heart is slowly trying put itself back together. Every time I feel like I am making any kind of progress, someone comes along and completely shatters it back into a bunch of pieces. I have been told that the reason that this hurts so much is because I have finally started to allow myself to feel again. I was numb to everything for so long that now that I can feel, all I feel is sad, almost all of the time. Even in the few, brief moments when I feel like my heart will allow me to be happy, I still just feel sad.
I am praying that this will pass eventually and that I can be happy more often and allow myself to be happy when the good things happen in my life. There have been so many good things and it is just incredibly difficult for me to be able to rejoice in them. Someday, God will let that happen. Until then, I will just keep trying to pray and continue in this journey of walking through life with the Lord.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Unconditional Love-just some thoughts
What does unconditional love look like? Recently I was given an example by a dear friend of mine, Steve Rieske. He has 3 children and I often baby-sit for his children. His youngest is not quite a year old-11 months. Happiest baby in the world most of the time, just a beautiful baby to be around. The way that Steve explained unconditional love is that for me to love Peyton I just love him. It isn't based on anything that he did or didn't do. And my thought at first was, how easy it is to love a baby. But then, as I started thinking about it, I realized how NOT easy it is to love a baby. They cry for no reason, they are messy, smelly, helpless, and just in general life takers. But, I love the baby just because.
I think that it is so easy to put a price on what love should or shouldn't mean in this world and in our culture. Love has begun to be based upon what someone can do for someone else, and not who the person is. True, unconditional love is one the best gift in the world, because it is free! Unconditional love is affection with no limits or conditions; complete love. The reason that this is so beautiful is because it doesn't have to be earned. In a society where we place a price and value on everything, there is no price that can be placed on this.
The most thought of example of unconditional love is between parents and their children, most specific, mothers and their children. When this lacks from the relationship between children and their parents the damages can be completely irreversible and irrepriable. This is something that I have been struggling with as of late.
I know that I have been writing alot about my struggles. I think that is because they are what is most evident to me right now. After a long and painful conversation with my mom(sorry Steve-Virtue), it became painfully obvious that I will never have her unconditional love. It is simply something that I need to stop trying for, and open myself up to be loved by people who want to love me.
I had a conversation with some pretty smart people yesterday, and I was asked to explain why I have been so angry with God. It was something that I was not ready to put into words, but when I did, it felt freeing somehow. I am finding that putting things into words lately has been incredibly freeing. Even if I am having trouble turning to God in prayer and in the Word, I feel like this is a different kind of prayer. God already knows what's on my heart, but somehow I feel like writing it down kind of makes it more real, and like "hey God, wanna take a look at this, and help me through it?"
An amazing quote that I have really been trying to take head to is "If God leads you to it, he will lead you through it." This is something that I have really been trying to focus on, and it seems like it is such an easy one to master, but in reality it's not. It is really hard to give control to someone that you can't see. It's not like I can physically see what God is doing in my life with the things that I have been giving him, and for someone who always needs to be in control that is really hard to do. It is also a constant struggle to see what purpose God has for all of the fights and heartaches that seem to keep happening in my life.
I was challenged to read Psalm 22. This is something that I am going to start working on today, after my finals are over. I haven't carried my Bible with me in the last week, because part of me feels like there is no point, since I am not going to read it anyway.
I know that I strayed away from the original topic, but I just kinda wrote where my heart took me....hope that is okay :)
I think that it is so easy to put a price on what love should or shouldn't mean in this world and in our culture. Love has begun to be based upon what someone can do for someone else, and not who the person is. True, unconditional love is one the best gift in the world, because it is free! Unconditional love is affection with no limits or conditions; complete love. The reason that this is so beautiful is because it doesn't have to be earned. In a society where we place a price and value on everything, there is no price that can be placed on this.
The most thought of example of unconditional love is between parents and their children, most specific, mothers and their children. When this lacks from the relationship between children and their parents the damages can be completely irreversible and irrepriable. This is something that I have been struggling with as of late.
I know that I have been writing alot about my struggles. I think that is because they are what is most evident to me right now. After a long and painful conversation with my mom(sorry Steve-Virtue), it became painfully obvious that I will never have her unconditional love. It is simply something that I need to stop trying for, and open myself up to be loved by people who want to love me.
I had a conversation with some pretty smart people yesterday, and I was asked to explain why I have been so angry with God. It was something that I was not ready to put into words, but when I did, it felt freeing somehow. I am finding that putting things into words lately has been incredibly freeing. Even if I am having trouble turning to God in prayer and in the Word, I feel like this is a different kind of prayer. God already knows what's on my heart, but somehow I feel like writing it down kind of makes it more real, and like "hey God, wanna take a look at this, and help me through it?"
An amazing quote that I have really been trying to take head to is "If God leads you to it, he will lead you through it." This is something that I have really been trying to focus on, and it seems like it is such an easy one to master, but in reality it's not. It is really hard to give control to someone that you can't see. It's not like I can physically see what God is doing in my life with the things that I have been giving him, and for someone who always needs to be in control that is really hard to do. It is also a constant struggle to see what purpose God has for all of the fights and heartaches that seem to keep happening in my life.
I was challenged to read Psalm 22. This is something that I am going to start working on today, after my finals are over. I haven't carried my Bible with me in the last week, because part of me feels like there is no point, since I am not going to read it anyway.
I know that I strayed away from the original topic, but I just kinda wrote where my heart took me....hope that is okay :)
Friday, December 11, 2009
Struggling
So, I am not even sure what I want to say in this note. Other than I think the title of the note explains everything. I have been struggling with so much lately, and I don't feel as though I have any control over it, or even any strength to keep fighting.
When I was in the hospital a month or so ago, I received some pretty life altering news about a new health condition. It was something that, while I knew could happen, I never thought that it would. I had an incredibly difficult time connecting with God while I was in there. Though I had brought my Bible with me, and even my "Pocketbook of Truth," the idea of actually opening my Bible was something that I couldn't actually do.
Throughout this time, my friends were an amazing blessing to me. They gave up time to come hang out with me, energy sitting there with me and worrying about me, and most importantly, their love for me. I cannot express how much that meant and still means to me!
However, through all of this, and and more recently A LOT of family turmoil has had me questioning God and his presence in my life through all of this. I have had a very hard time being in the Word, and even praying. This is something that I struggled with heavily before coming back to Christ this past winter. I am very scared right now that my heart is becoming one of two things. Either incredibly vulnerable to Satan or incredibly hard to God. Neither one of those is a good thing.
I have been realizing a lot of things about myself these last few weeks. I am not the wisest person in the world, but I am thinking that these things make a lot of sense. I am realizing that because of the relationship that I have with my family-or lack thereof- it has really affected my ability to allow others to love and care about me, as well as made it difficult for me to allow myself to love and care about others. It is something that I didn't really realize until a few weeks ago, and now I am seeing how it is true in many aspects of my life. This makes me incredibly sad because I love my friends, and I love caring about them, but sometimes it just hurts too much, and I feel like I don't give them everything that I could.
I guess I am just tired of trying to fight anymore. I don't have strength or energy or courage anymore to fight..emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, or verbally. I am just done. I don't know what that means in a lot of ways, but I do know that I feel like I have nothing left to give. I am really struggling to find in myself the things that other people seem to so easily see. This has been a constant struggle within myself and my heart for the last year or so. I am grateful to everyone who has encouraged me and supported me and loved on me this last year. There are no words that could properly explain how much that has meant to me.
The worst part (I feel) of this situation, is that I feel guilty for feeling this way. I have so many great people who love me and love on me all the time, and I feel so guilty for feeling like I can't let them do that. I feel like I am slapping them in the face every time I deny them the opportunity to love me or care for me. I am desperately praying for wisdom and guidance and the strength to open and soften my heart to this and others.
Thank you to everyone who has been there for me! I love you all so much! May your holidays be blessed and happy and wonderful!
When I was in the hospital a month or so ago, I received some pretty life altering news about a new health condition. It was something that, while I knew could happen, I never thought that it would. I had an incredibly difficult time connecting with God while I was in there. Though I had brought my Bible with me, and even my "Pocketbook of Truth," the idea of actually opening my Bible was something that I couldn't actually do.
Throughout this time, my friends were an amazing blessing to me. They gave up time to come hang out with me, energy sitting there with me and worrying about me, and most importantly, their love for me. I cannot express how much that meant and still means to me!
However, through all of this, and and more recently A LOT of family turmoil has had me questioning God and his presence in my life through all of this. I have had a very hard time being in the Word, and even praying. This is something that I struggled with heavily before coming back to Christ this past winter. I am very scared right now that my heart is becoming one of two things. Either incredibly vulnerable to Satan or incredibly hard to God. Neither one of those is a good thing.
I have been realizing a lot of things about myself these last few weeks. I am not the wisest person in the world, but I am thinking that these things make a lot of sense. I am realizing that because of the relationship that I have with my family-or lack thereof- it has really affected my ability to allow others to love and care about me, as well as made it difficult for me to allow myself to love and care about others. It is something that I didn't really realize until a few weeks ago, and now I am seeing how it is true in many aspects of my life. This makes me incredibly sad because I love my friends, and I love caring about them, but sometimes it just hurts too much, and I feel like I don't give them everything that I could.
I guess I am just tired of trying to fight anymore. I don't have strength or energy or courage anymore to fight..emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, or verbally. I am just done. I don't know what that means in a lot of ways, but I do know that I feel like I have nothing left to give. I am really struggling to find in myself the things that other people seem to so easily see. This has been a constant struggle within myself and my heart for the last year or so. I am grateful to everyone who has encouraged me and supported me and loved on me this last year. There are no words that could properly explain how much that has meant to me.
The worst part (I feel) of this situation, is that I feel guilty for feeling this way. I have so many great people who love me and love on me all the time, and I feel so guilty for feeling like I can't let them do that. I feel like I am slapping them in the face every time I deny them the opportunity to love me or care for me. I am desperately praying for wisdom and guidance and the strength to open and soften my heart to this and others.
Thank you to everyone who has been there for me! I love you all so much! May your holidays be blessed and happy and wonderful!
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