Humility

Humility. Probably one of the hardest things to master in this world. True humility. I have met a few people that make it look so easy. I strive to be like them. For now, I will stick with struggling through it. They say pride is the deadliest of all sins. I believe that. I know that my pride keeps me from lots of things. It most certainly keeps me from living in the Cross.
I know that my pride often stops me from living as Christ lived. Selflessly. Because of my pride, I often have a hard time accepting help from people. I often have a hard time being open and honest with people because I am afraid of how they are going to respond to me. I often have a hard time being humble when people want to love me and serve me.
Often times I have to say to myself, "Christ knelt down and washed the feet of his 12 disciples, including Judas, who he knew was going to betray him and Peter, who he knew was going to deny him, and yet I can't seem to humble myself to serve someone, or go out of my way to allow someone to help me, or to help that person who has just tried my last nerve." One of the most beautiful moments in the Mass in the entire Liturgical year is at Holy Thursday Mass when the priest washes the feet of 12 congregation members. I was blessed enough to enough to experience this a few years ago. I cried during and after. It was such a humbling and amazing experience. For that brief moment, I was transported back to that night 2000 years ago when Jesus sat in the upper room and washed the feet of the Apostles.
I think one of the things that makes humility so hard is that our society has a problem with weakness. I know I for one grew up in house where it was unacceptable to show weakness. We (especially the girls) were expected to be strong. Not to depend on others, for anything. Going through life with that kind of mentality makes it really hard to be humble in moments of weakness. There is something inside that says "You don't need anyone. You only need yourself. Asking for help is weak." These are all lies that I know I have told myself over the years.
Sometimes the most humble thing is just to fall to your knees, look to heaven and remember that there is nothing that you can do without Christ. It is never easy to make the realization that we are too prideful. Sometimes I have to be knocked of my pedestal a couple dozen times before I realize that I need to remember that all the pride in the world isn't going to stop Christ from loving me and forgiving me.
Humility. I'm gonna keep on struggling towards it.

Getting sicker

I found out today that I am getting sicker. My blood clotting disease is getting worse. They have to up my medicine, which is bad because this isn't the kind of medicine that is meant to be taken for long periods of time. I have already been taking it for almost 6 years. In low doses it slowly starts destroying organs in your body. In the amount that I have to take it in, it is literally poisoning me, but there is nothing else that I could take that will keep my blood from clotting.
There are lots of things that I still want to do in my life. Getting married, be a mom, travel, make lots of memories. Most importantly, I want to know that I mattered to someone. That I made a difference in someone's life.
My dad and step-mom want me to move closer to them. At first, I was kind of hesitant to leave BG. I love my life here. I love my family and friends that I have here. I have a wonderful community and beautiful friends and a huge faith based community. The idea of leaving that is terrifying to me. But now, with this news, I am thinking that it might be something worth considering. I think I am going to see what I need to do to find a job out that way, and see what I can find.
I think that I need to work on rebuilding relationships and spend some time with my family. Who knows how much I have left?
I have been hoping for years that this would have gotten better. But since it clearly isn't, then I need to start dealing with it. Dealing with it alone is gonna suck, but I guess this is the path that God has made for me.
The fact that it's getting worse would explain the way that I have been feeling lately. I thought it was just in my head, so I am glad to know that there is a reason for it. Hopefully I will find some ways to combat this and it will hold off on consuming life just a little longer.
I am going to try to apply Fr. Matt's instructions: "Jesus, I trust in You." I just have to keep saying that to myself over and over again.

"Jesus, I trust in you."