Sunday, September 30, 2012

There You'll Be

So, I know that I said I was going to update this every week, and clearly I have been failing, so I apologize for that. However, given that it's been about a month since I wrote, I have had time to put in some serious thoughts about what I wanted to write about. There have been a few things that have come to mind. So, this might be a mixture of a few different thoughts. Here goes!

My first thought was about something my good friend Steve preached on once. The idea of the verses from the Lord's Prayer. "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." According to Steve, this is one of the hardest versus in the Bible to master. We pray for our sins to be forgiven, and yet somehow we think we have the right to deny others the same forgiveness that we are asking God for. And I am in no way saying that I am not guilty of this. In fact, I would be lying if I said that it's not on my heart right now. Just about everyday, at some point, I ask God's forgiveness for something, even if it's just having a mean thought about someone. Yet, I so often struggle with forgiving people who "sin" against me. Seems kinda twisted, if you ask me. I have been daily praying that God would soften my heart on help me to "be merciful, just as my heavenly Father is merciful." Luke 6:36.

Another thought that has been weighing on my mind is the need of perfection. I have always struggled with this, mostly because it was something that my mom has pounded into my head since I was a little girl. I was never good enough because I wasn't perfect. I was almost the perfect student, but then even that stopped. I was never the right weight. I was never a strong enough athlete, or a fast enough runner. This has increased and carried over into other aspects of my life. When I do something that isn't perfect, or if people offer criticism for something that I didn't do correctly, or that I might need to improve on, I often feel about 2 feet tall, and don't know how to respond without feeling defensive. It's interesting to me though, that the need for perfection is seen as a bad thing when Jesus tells us "to be perfect as his heavenly father is perfect." Matthew 5:48.

I have also realized that God really wanted me to grow in something this past year. Less than 6 months after learning that I can never have biological children of my own, I accepted a job working in a home for pregnant, unwed mothers. I know that I have mentioned this before, but it has really been weighing on me. I didn't even know if I wanted to have children-though I always knew that I was going to adopt, I didn't know if I wanted to have biological children, and all of a sudden the decision was just taken away from me. I was told to mourn and grieve for this loss. It isn't as easy as you would think. It's hard to grieve something that you never had. But yet, I found myself crying for weeks after this. Even in front of Fr. Matt. Up until that moment, I had always fought crying in front of him, for no reason other than pride. But sitting there, telling him these things, I realized that I couldn't hold it in anymore. Anyways, all that to say, it is challenging to say the least to work in a home of pregnant women, who view their pregnancies as an inconvenience and a bother. I pray daily for the grace to love them through that and in spite of that. It's a hard thing to ask for.

There is more, but we will save that for another day. Maybe tomorrow!

God Bless!