Perfect Love Drives Out Fear

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:18-19.
This is where I am at right now. This week has been one of the hardest that I have faced in a long time. There were many sad times and even harder moments. It is never easy to face the end of a relationship, especially one in which you had been seriously talking about marriage. But it didn't make sense to stay together for the sake of staying together. "Weeping may last for night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5. I am trying to allow myself to grieve the loss of the relationship for what it was and what it meant to me in my life. It is incredibly difficult sometimes.
A large part of me is completely at peace with the decision that God called me to. I know God called me out of the relationship for a reason, and deep in my heart I know it was right. There is still a part of me though, that is mourning that loss. This was someone that I gave my heart to, and they didn't guard it and protect it the way that it should have been. This is something that I have learned the hard way one too many times.
Allowing myself to love and be loved is something that I am continually struggling with, and I can feel myself struggling with it everyday more and more. Allowing myself to open up to others and know that at some point they are going to hurt me is the biggest challenge I am facing right now. Loving someone is giving them permission to hurt you. I know I have said that before, but it's so true. Sometimes I spend so much time guarding my heart, that I forget to open the gates and let people in. There are so many people that have let me cry, yell, scream, and just be me in the wake of my break up. I have some of the most amazing friends ever. They bought be ice cream, gave me tissues when I started crying, played cards with me, randomly called me to see how I was doing, sat up with me at night, held me while I sobbed my eyes out, and just loved me.
When I look at all their faces, that is how I am reminded of how beautiful love is.
In honor of some of my friends, I have decided that every time I say something bad about myself, I have to give $2 to whoever is present when it happens. I need to start believing that I am God's daughter and He is not okay with me putting myself down all the time. I am hoping my friends are going to help hold me accountable for this, as it is going to be a daily, even hourly challenge at times.
I love that so many people are just loving me where I am at right now, big barrel of mess and all. That means more to me than any words can ever express. "True love doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be real." St. Teresa of Avila. I love her and these words. Someday I will get over this sad event in my life, and when that happens I will remember these days and smile. I have learned how important smiling is, even though I don't always feel like it. I am working on trying to smile even when I am sad. I heard a saying once that said "You should always remember to smile because you never know who might be falling in love with your smile." I am trying really hard to remember this daily. I taped a note in my planner so I will see it multiple times a day and really focus on it.
I am so beyond blessed, and sometimes it takes a sad day or moment to remind me of it...but I always know and am thankful beyond all measure for God's undeserved grace and mercy that He has poured out into my life.