A Woman's Heart

"Do not underestimate the person you are. You are loved, you are worthy of that love. You are beautiful, you are talented. You deserve to be the Beauty in a fairytale. You are never alone. You have a stregth that cannot be taken away. God is your shield. He will be with you, and you will be His warrior. You are needed. Guard your heart. You heart holds the desires of your inmost being. Give it to God alone. Allow Him to fill your every thought and desire. Do not be ashamed. Do not dear. Do not worry. The Lord alone is sufficient. Praise His everlasting and glorious name. Smile, and give thanks. Love like you have never loved before. Become an instrument for the hands of our God. Let Him have you, all of you. Give Him everything. Do not hold back, for it is in the Lord that we find peace and joy. Do not cry because it's over, but smile because it happened. Amen!"

These are not my words. They are from my beautiful Sister Aimee. She has such an amazing heart and loves on me while I am trying to mend mine.

Last night, while in adoration, I just started balling and couldn't stop. Four songs, silence, benediction. Just uncontrollable sobbing. It's been awhile since I have done that. My heart felt like it had been ripped out and trampled on. I didn't like the feeling.

This morning, I finally found the strength(from where, I have no idea) to listen to a CD Aimee made me over the summer called "Healing." As I am sure you can imagine...there has been more crying. Some songs on there are "This Is Where The Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North, "For Good" by Idina Menzel, "Best Days are Ahead of Me" by Danny Gokey, and "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. I'm not so sure what it has done just yet, but hopefully something comes from it.

As a woman, I know that we are prone to lots of emotions that appear out of nowhere. Emotions that catch us off guard, much like what happens when we fall in love. It catches us completely off guard and there is nothing we can do about it. It's like a virus and once it infects you, there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Thank you, God. Thank you for letting me love. Even in the midst of wanting to close my heart off and never open it back up again, I am thankful for being able to love. God is so good. I have ever reason not to love and trust, and yet, God shows me that there is still a reason. His Son. So, thank you for that.

"I would have loved you even if I had never met you." One of my favorite quotes from a romantic movie. I think our hearts know who they are supposed to love in our life and God puts those people there when the time is right. And maybe it's not to love forever, but maybe it's to love for just a short while, until we get to where we are supposed to be.

I could have loved you forever.

The Sum of My Past Mistakes

I didn't know that my heart could break this much, but it did. I always knew that someday the mistakes of my past would come back to haunt me. I jut never expected it to hurt so much when they did.
To say that I wasn't living a Christian lifestyle for a few years would be an understatement. I was drinking all the time, having sex with my boyfriends, even a couple one night stands. I am not proud of these things or the way that I used to live my life, but I know that I am no longer that person. I had been looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. I had grown up never hearing that I was beautiful, feeling unloved by my parents, especially my dad, who was not only physically but emotionally absent from my life. I am not making excuses for the bad choices that I made in my life, but not having someone to show and tell me what love really looks like, it made it really easy to try to find it in all the wrong places.
I had been made to believe that because I am a different person, and I have been made a new creation in Christ, that my past sins were no longer what defined who I am. Well, apparently I was misinformed. I will forever be identified by the sum of my past mistakes.
Maybe someday, there will be someone that can love me for the mistakes I've made and will love me in spite of them, and instead of not loving me because of them. I have never felt that I deserved to be loved and now I know why. It's a painful truth that I have to come to accept.
In John a woman is brought to Jesus who was caught in the act of adultery. The Pharisees wanted to test Jesus, so they asked Him what should be done to her. Jesus states that the first person who is without sin could be the first to cast a stone. One by one people began walking away. By His own words Jesus was the only one who could have thrown a stone at her. However, instead of condemning her He tells her to go, and sin no more. If Jesus, who was like us in all ways but sin, can not only not condemn a woman, who by his own words he should have, but also forgave her, then I should also be forgiven, no? This passage was my penance once. I didn't understand the importance of it at the time. Now I understand it was probably one of the better penances I have ever received.
One of the only things worse than the actual shame of having lived this lifestyle, is to know that it will follow me wherever I go.

Dear Lord,

Dear Lord,
That is how most of my journal entries start out. I have always been a big fan of journaling. I remember writing pages in my diary. Yes, I had a diary. It was the one place I could say and think whatever I wanted, and I couldn't get in trouble. Or so I thought. I will never forget that sinking feeling when I found out that my mother had been reading my diary all along. Now, as an adult, I am very protective of my journals.
Somewhere along the lines, they stopped being diaries and started becoming my means of communication with God. I know that God hears me when I talk to Him, but I also know that He hears me when I write to Him. I am not always the most eloquent speaker, and I have found great solace and comfort in writing things down when I don't know what to say.
If you are new to my blog you might think that I don't often make alot of sense in the things that I write. Well, sorry about your luck. If you are looking for something that is beautiful and flows well from one thought to the next, you are in the wrong place. I pretty much write whatever I am feeling in the moment, and it might not all make sense. I think that is why I started to journal my prayers to God, because I didn't think they were making a whole lot of sense (not that writing them down is going to guarantee that they do, either).
In spiritual direction the other day, I was instructed by Fr. Matt to keep praying and journaling about the things we talked about. I thought that this was going to be one of the harder assignments that I had been given. However, I realized that if this is the way that I talked to God, then it should be easy.
The other day, while having a conversation with my good friend Steve, I expressed that I had been having a really hard time finding God in things and that I was sad all the time. He reminded me that I had come from a really bad desert, and God had led me to a pond of water to drink from, and now that I have drank and experienced love and friends and being loved, God is moving me forward through the rest of the desert and onto a bigger lake of water.
I have been so blessed these last three years with the most amazing people in my life. I cannot even begin to put into words how wonderful these people are. Cameron, Marley, Steve, Sandy, Andrew, Brittany, Anthony, Katie, and Michael just to name a few. As Steve told me, not only am indeed loved, I am LOVABLE! Who knew? Not me, that's for sure! It has been a sweet realization and feeling since hearing that. I'm not saying I completely believe it, but it's a sweet thought nonetheless.
These are my crazy thoughts. I hope you all enjoy them!
Love your daughter,
Jasmine

Cramps

So, this may be more details then some of you will want to read, so feel free to click your way out of here if that's the case.

So, I started my period this morning. Of which I am grateful for, because that means everything is working just as it should in my body. Of course, this means that I have cramps and nausea that comes with this blessed event. I am trying really hard to be thankful for those things as well, because I know that someday, in the future, I hope I will be rejoicing just the same for not starting my period (this will of course be after I am married). Up until recently, I realized that I have taken for granted something that is supposed to be part of who I am.

Years ago my doctor put me on birth control to try to regulate my cycle and to help with my cramps (I used to get them so badly that I literally would be curled in the fetal position for hours, unable to move because I was in so much pain). I lost the perfect attendance award in high school not for being sick, but because I would have to stay home one day every month (if I started on a school day). Now, I will willing admit that while I was on the birth control, my cycle was regular, and I barely got cramps when I started my period. Perfect.

NOT!!!!

While these "problems" sorted themselves out, I found a whole slew of new problems. Problems that made cramps and an irregular cycle look like a piece of cake.

For those of you who don't know, this is what I was diagnosed with while taking birth control. http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/aps/

The picture that I uploaded shows exactly what my leg looks like as a result of the blood clotting condition that I have. And, yes. It is just as painful as it looks.

Today, as I am sitting in bed with a rice sock on my belly, trying to get rid of my cramps, I am reminded of what I have lost, what I will never have, and trying to maintain hope of what I dream to one day have. Often when I look at my friends as they get married and begin having babies, I ask myself, "Is there a man out there that could love someone that is physically scared? Is there a man out there who could love a woman who might not be able to give him biological children? Is there a man out there who understands that his wife could have a stroke at any time because of a stupid mistake she made when she was young?" These are all questions that I have been asking myself for years. They are not easily answered either.

Someday, I hope that I will find the answers to these questions. Until then, I will try to maintain faith and hope, and trust in an all knowing, and all powerful God who is filled with mercy and grace.

Closed doors, open windows

Okay, God.

It's been said "when God closes a door somewhere else he opens a window. Well, God. You have closed door after door this summer. Where is the window? I am starting to suffocate here. No more school, didn't get either of the jobs I applied for, and my job is closing in a few weeks. Needless to say, I am feeling very lost.

Yesterday, while in Big Lots I found a journal that had this phrase on it. I felt like God was trying to tell me something, especially since people have been telling me this for weeks now. I am trying to trust in their words and God's providence.

During spiritual direction, it was said that I might be going through spiritual desolation. After learning more about what this means, I realized there might be some truth to that. I have had an incredibly difficult time praying, going to Mass, reading the Bible, and feeling God's presence. After all of the things I have gone through, it almost seems crazy that I could now be going through all of this, especially considering where I was three years ago. But here I am, feeling abandoned and alone. The only difference is, I have people in my life now that I can talk to about this and seek help from.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Christ said this as he hung on the cross, dying for us. I know that the suffering I am going through is nothing compared to what Jesus suffered, but it still hurts just the same, ya know? I wish I could believe everyone when they say that God is here, with me.

After a conversation with a close friend, he explained that I am not a failure because things aren't working out in my life the way that I had tried to make them. I am learning that just because I am 25 years old, not finished with college, don't have a full time job, am single, and clearly very lost, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me.

I'm learning to live and love again. It's a daily struggle to allow myself to be loved. I have been blessed so much by so many wonderful people in my life. They mean more to me than I can ever say. Allowing them to love me and care about me is more difficult than I ever realized. I have to remind myself that I am worthy of being loved and cared about. I love that they love me, in spite of my brokenness. And let's be real, I am BROKEN!

My spiritual director told me that I am supposed to say "Jesus, I trust in You" every single day, even multiple times a day. Saying this everyday isn't what's hard. Believing it and accepting it is what is so difficult. Everyday, with the love and support of the people in my life, and God (when I'm not struggling), I am beginning to heal.

I'm Not Okay

There are no words to describe
The way you make me feel inside
There are moments when I look at you
I cannot breathe, you have taken my breath away

Somedays I swear it will be okay,
But today, you looked at me and

Baby, I felt my heart stop right inside of my chest.
I swear the looks we share are meant for lovers
But, I know that time has passed, for your heart longs for another
The way my heart longs for you,
Baby, I'm not okay

Is she everything I could have been for you?
I know it's wrong, but you will always be in my heart.
My love is strong, so silently I wait and pray someday.
Someday, maybe you will know what's in my heart.

There are days when I swear you can see into my heart.
But today you looked at me and

Baby, I felt my heart stop right inside of my chest
I swear the looks we share are meant for lovers
But, I know that time has passed, for your he
art longs for another
The way my heart longs for you,
Baby, I'm not okay

The years have passed and you have become
A memory, or so I thought
Then you walked back into my life and looked into my eyes
My heart stopped beating for a moment
When you smiled and said, "Are you okay"?
I smiled back and said,

"Baby, I felt my heart stop right inside of my chest. I sear the looks we shared were meant for lovers, but I know that time has passed, for your heart belongs to another; the way my heart will always belong to you. Baby, I'm not okay."

These are lyrics to a song I wrote last year. They described where my heart was at that time. I know that God is slowly healing my heart and is trying to show me what he wants from me and for me in my life.

I know that someday, even if it's not today, I will be okay.

Life, Love, and Friends

So, as the school year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on this past year. This has been one of the most challenging, yet rewarding academic school years I have had in a while. I have been challenged to grow in ways I didn't think were possible. I have made so many new friends, and faced so many new challenges and growth in so many ways, that I cannot even begin to explain them all.
The biggest thing I have learned this year is that having friends is a joy and a blessing that can never be put into words. Somehow, when I wasn't looking, all of these new friendships and relationships formed, and I can't remember what life was like before them. My friends have helped me to learn my immeasurable value and worth. They affirm me and build me up, especially when I am tempted to believe the deceiver. Satan is a sneaky little bastard, but it becomes hardier to believe the lies that he is trying to tell me when I look and see the love and support and acceptance of all of the beautiful friends God has placed in my life.
One of the hardest things I have learned is how to say good bye. I'm still not good at it. I know that I am going to have to say goodbye to some incredibly amazing friends in a few weeks, and every time I think about it, it brings me to tears. These are people that have changed and impacted my life in ways that I can't begin to explain. Some of them are graduating, some of them are moving away, some of them are getting married, some of them are getting new jobs elsewhere. I know that part of life is learning to say goodbye and move on, but that doesn't make it any easier.
As it approaches a year since my younger brother shot himself, I have been reminded of the incredible grace and love from God and my friends. That day is coming up in 3 weeks, and I know that I will not be alone, and that there can and will be rejoicing on that day. Rejoicing that my brother is still alive. and rejoicing in life, love, and friends.
Everyday that I wake up I am completely astounded and shaken by God's grace and mercy for me. I have done nothing to deserve it, and yet it is completely and freely given to me. The blessings that God has shown me this last school year is completely beyond my understanding.
Living in Households was one of the most difficult challenges I faced this school year. I was sure that I would never do it again. Yet, I found myself asking for an application, going through the interview process, and accepting my invitation to join. The only explanation of that is God working on and softening my heart.
I find myself in a relationship with a man, who I know loves me and adores me. Yet my heart is restless and I don't know why. There is something God is trying to tell me, I just don't know if I am listening hard enough. God has blessed me with amazing people that are helping to figure out what God is calling me to.
God just blessed me with Veritas President for the upcoming school year. I am so excited to see what God is going to do with our team next year. I think that it is going to be a wonderful year of growth and learning.
Love is a concept that I don't think I will ever understand. But as I look at some of my friends, it is so clear the love that they feel for each other. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I hope to find that someday. Love is such a beautiful yet incredibly frightening experiences and feelings. Allowing someone into your heart. Loving someone is giving them permission to hurt you. It is one of the scariest and most humbling experiences in the world.
I am so excited to see what the summer brings and all of the new experiences, friends, love, and life. God is so good to me, and there is no way I can ever thank him enough for all he has done for me.