Motherhood

So this evening I was baby-sitting and as I stood, rocking the younger boy to sleep, who also happened to be pretty sick, I was hit with this intense wave of desire to have children. Now, if you know me, you are probably a little confused because all you have ever heard me say is how much I don't want children. However, this really is a combination of a couple things.
First, I am terrified to have children because of my mother. She did not raise me using compassion, love, empathy, or a desire to understand me. Today, I realized that I could do this. As I held the sick, crying baby in my arms and rocked him to sleep, I realized that I could be a great mother, not because of who my mother was, but because of who she wasn't. I have so many strong mother examples in my life now, that it has completely overshadowed the horrible-ness that was her mothering. I have seen Sandy, Amy, Mel, and all the other mothers in my community, and realized that I have something that she didn't...God. With Him I all things are possible.
However, now that I have made the realization that I can be a good mother, and that I want children, God has almost all but taken that away from me. This is a huge part of why I have been so angry with God over the last few months. When I was in the hospital I found out that because of all of the diseases that I have it will be incredibly difficult for me to get pregnant, and if I did, it would be very unlikely that I would be able to carry the baby to term. I know that I have spent a lot of time saying that I don't want children, but the option was always there. I knew that once I was diagnosed with the blood clots that it would be an incredibly difficult process to get pregnant and then to have a healthy baby and worrying about all the possible complications that could happen to me. Now, with the new medical conditions it is going to virtually impossible. I never knew how much I wanted children until the possibility of being able to have them was taken away.
I know that adoption is always available, and is an amazing gift to give to a child, but the greatest gift that a woman can give a man is a child of his own. Especially in the CRU community that is something that is so important to the men of that community. I feel like I am somehow broken and that most men aren't going to want to marry me because I won't be able to give them the gift of a child.
I have been feeling angry at God because it is really hard for me to try to understand why He would do this, on top of all the medical conditions that he has given me. I am feeling like this might be my punishment for all the horrible things I did as a child. I don't know. It's worth a thought though.