So, I know that I said I was going to update this every week, and clearly I have been failing, so I apologize for that. However, given that it's been about a month since I wrote, I have had time to put in some serious thoughts about what I wanted to write about. There have been a few things that have come to mind. So, this might be a mixture of a few different thoughts. Here goes!
My first thought was about something my good friend Steve preached on once. The idea of the verses from the Lord's Prayer. "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." According to Steve, this is one of the hardest versus in the Bible to master. We pray for our sins to be forgiven, and yet somehow we think we have the right to deny others the same forgiveness that we are asking God for. And I am in no way saying that I am not guilty of this. In fact, I would be lying if I said that it's not on my heart right now. Just about everyday, at some point, I ask God's forgiveness for something, even if it's just having a mean thought about someone. Yet, I so often struggle with forgiving people who "sin" against me. Seems kinda twisted, if you ask me. I have been daily praying that God would soften my heart on help me to "be merciful, just as my heavenly Father is merciful." Luke 6:36.
Another thought that has been weighing on my mind is the need of perfection. I have always struggled with this, mostly because it was something that my mom has pounded into my head since I was a little girl. I was never good enough because I wasn't perfect. I was almost the perfect student, but then even that stopped. I was never the right weight. I was never a strong enough athlete, or a fast enough runner. This has increased and carried over into other aspects of my life. When I do something that isn't perfect, or if people offer criticism for something that I didn't do correctly, or that I might need to improve on, I often feel about 2 feet tall, and don't know how to respond without feeling defensive. It's interesting to me though, that the need for perfection is seen as a bad thing when Jesus tells us "to be perfect as his heavenly father is perfect." Matthew 5:48.
I have also realized that God really wanted me to grow in something this past year. Less than 6 months after learning that I can never have biological children of my own, I accepted a job working in a home for pregnant, unwed mothers. I know that I have mentioned this before, but it has really been weighing on me. I didn't even know if I wanted to have children-though I always knew that I was going to adopt, I didn't know if I wanted to have biological children, and all of a sudden the decision was just taken away from me. I was told to mourn and grieve for this loss. It isn't as easy as you would think. It's hard to grieve something that you never had. But yet, I found myself crying for weeks after this. Even in front of Fr. Matt. Up until that moment, I had always fought crying in front of him, for no reason other than pride. But sitting there, telling him these things, I realized that I couldn't hold it in anymore. Anyways, all that to say, it is challenging to say the least to work in a home of pregnant women, who view their pregnancies as an inconvenience and a bother. I pray daily for the grace to love them through that and in spite of that. It's a hard thing to ask for.
There is more, but we will save that for another day. Maybe tomorrow!
God Bless!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Desert Song
Well, I am sitting in Arizona, writing my first blog as an official Maggie's Place employee. Wow. That's all I have to say about that. I just finished my second full day of boot camp, and let me tell you, it's intense. First of all, I am still on Ohio time, which is 3 hours ahead of AZ time. So, as I am writing this it is only 4:41pm in Arizona, but it is 7:41 in Ohio, which means I am pretty tired and am ready to curl up for the night and start thinking about heading to bed in a couple of hours...but that isn't the case, as we still have to make dinner, and then we are having staff game/activity night, which who knows how long that is going to last.
I am slightly bummed that I can't watch the Browns-Eagles games right now. I know it's only pre-season, but being the die hard fan that I am, I really love watching the games, even if they don't count for anything. Okay, but enough about that. I know you all want to know what I have been up to the past week. Well, here goes!
So, I have been in Arizona since Wednesday evening. I spent the first night at one of the houses in Tempe. I was so exhausted, I ended up passing out around 9pm their time, which was about midnight Ohio time. Unfortunately, I also woke up at 4:45am, Arizona time, which is about 7:45am Ohio time, so I was right on schedule for my wake up time, but it made for a really long day in the long run.
Thursday was spent learning policies and procedures, listening to people talk, having some discussion, and we went to daily mass. The best part of the day was going over to one of the other houses, getting to cook dinner, and then having someone come over and sing and play worship songs for us. Worship is one of my absolute favorite ways to pray and meditate and spend time with the Lord, so it was so relaxing to be able to do that last night.
I also spent time last night with one of the other Corps members that is going to be serving in AZ. She had never experienced Pinterest, so we spent like an hour on there, showing her all the funny things I had pinned or other funny things that other people had pinned.
Friday is so far just as long of a day. I woke up around 5:30am AZ time, and I couldn't go back to sleep. But I did have a good time chatting with the other girls early in the morning while we ate breakfast. Then we went to the Fiat house and had more meetings and filled out insurance crap and all the fun junk that no one ever wants to do. Lunch was with the Fiat staff, which was really nice because we got to talk to them and get to know them.
After lunch we had some more lessons, and got our email set up. We prayed Divine Mercy Chaplet with the staff and then had some ice cream. Now we are on free time, getting ready to start making dinner.
Basically nothing to exciting has happened yet here. I am really missing home though. I am really missing BG and am really wishing I was back there. Especially last night, since it was the first CRU of the year, and I love going to that. It's going to be hard this year, knowing that there are tons of things that I would have been at if I was in BG, but instead I just have to try to embrace the experience and the life I am in now.
I made the decision this week that I am done with my mom. And I know that I have said this before, but I really mean it. She has been incredibly abusive to me over the years, and I cannot honestly think of anything positive that has come out of us having any kind of relationship, especially since it has never been a healthy one. I am really trying to keep true to this, because I know that I am better off without her in my life.
I also go to reconnect with some great people from my past. Denise was a RH police officer that was a mentor to me while I was in high school and I got to reconnect with her this past week, which was amazing! She really helped me a lot with my mom growing up, and always made me believe that I was cared about and did her best to protect me from the craziness that was Virtue. I also got to reconnect with my friend Todd. It was great to get to talk to him and have dinner because we had lost touch for awhile, but have started reconnecting and talking and it's been great. I love that we are building this new relationship, and I can't wait to see where it goes!
Well, that is the past week of my life in a nutshell. Thanks for reading, and I will try to post again next week, probably after Bootcamp is over and you guys can have all the fun details!
Much love!
I am slightly bummed that I can't watch the Browns-Eagles games right now. I know it's only pre-season, but being the die hard fan that I am, I really love watching the games, even if they don't count for anything. Okay, but enough about that. I know you all want to know what I have been up to the past week. Well, here goes!
So, I have been in Arizona since Wednesday evening. I spent the first night at one of the houses in Tempe. I was so exhausted, I ended up passing out around 9pm their time, which was about midnight Ohio time. Unfortunately, I also woke up at 4:45am, Arizona time, which is about 7:45am Ohio time, so I was right on schedule for my wake up time, but it made for a really long day in the long run.
Thursday was spent learning policies and procedures, listening to people talk, having some discussion, and we went to daily mass. The best part of the day was going over to one of the other houses, getting to cook dinner, and then having someone come over and sing and play worship songs for us. Worship is one of my absolute favorite ways to pray and meditate and spend time with the Lord, so it was so relaxing to be able to do that last night.
I also spent time last night with one of the other Corps members that is going to be serving in AZ. She had never experienced Pinterest, so we spent like an hour on there, showing her all the funny things I had pinned or other funny things that other people had pinned.
Friday is so far just as long of a day. I woke up around 5:30am AZ time, and I couldn't go back to sleep. But I did have a good time chatting with the other girls early in the morning while we ate breakfast. Then we went to the Fiat house and had more meetings and filled out insurance crap and all the fun junk that no one ever wants to do. Lunch was with the Fiat staff, which was really nice because we got to talk to them and get to know them.
After lunch we had some more lessons, and got our email set up. We prayed Divine Mercy Chaplet with the staff and then had some ice cream. Now we are on free time, getting ready to start making dinner.
Basically nothing to exciting has happened yet here. I am really missing home though. I am really missing BG and am really wishing I was back there. Especially last night, since it was the first CRU of the year, and I love going to that. It's going to be hard this year, knowing that there are tons of things that I would have been at if I was in BG, but instead I just have to try to embrace the experience and the life I am in now.
I made the decision this week that I am done with my mom. And I know that I have said this before, but I really mean it. She has been incredibly abusive to me over the years, and I cannot honestly think of anything positive that has come out of us having any kind of relationship, especially since it has never been a healthy one. I am really trying to keep true to this, because I know that I am better off without her in my life.
I also go to reconnect with some great people from my past. Denise was a RH police officer that was a mentor to me while I was in high school and I got to reconnect with her this past week, which was amazing! She really helped me a lot with my mom growing up, and always made me believe that I was cared about and did her best to protect me from the craziness that was Virtue. I also got to reconnect with my friend Todd. It was great to get to talk to him and have dinner because we had lost touch for awhile, but have started reconnecting and talking and it's been great. I love that we are building this new relationship, and I can't wait to see where it goes!
Well, that is the past week of my life in a nutshell. Thanks for reading, and I will try to post again next week, probably after Bootcamp is over and you guys can have all the fun details!
Much love!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
New Journeys and Old Memories
So, I officially moved back to Cleveland on Monday. I have so many mixed feelings about this. I miss Bowling Green so much. I have enjoyed spending time with my family, and I am looking forward to hanging out with my cousin and siblings this weekend, but it's still not the same as BG.
So, for those of you who don't know what is going on, let me catch you up really quick. In June I lost my job at the hospital. I was devastated. I loved my job. I began frantically searching for new work that could keep me in BG. But, I found nothing. I began expanding my search to areas around BG, and still couldn't find anything. It became clear that I wasn't going to find anything that was going to pay me what I needed to make and that was going to give me insurance. So, I made the hard decision to move back to Cleveland and to move in with my dad and step-mom, Gina.
I continued looking for a job even after I had made the decision, just in the event that something popped up last minute. I also heard of a job in Cleveland doing ministry work (which is exactly what I have wanted to do for the last four years). I went on a 5 day interview at Maggie's Place, which is a home for pregnant, unwed mothers. I was completely overwhelmed during the interview. It was 5 days of being watched, judged, and critiqued.
I returned back to BG and anxiously awaited a decision from Maggie's Place to tell me whether I got the job or not. I got a call a week later offering me a position in either Arizona or Cleveland. I was overwhelmed. I ultimately decided to stay in Cleveland, because that's where my family is, and given that I will only be making $350 per month, it didn't seem feasible to come back and visit home if I was all the way in AZ.
So, with a heavy heart, I said good-bye to the friends, family, and community that I have made in Bowling Green. I literally cried every single day before I moved back. I kept telling myself something would come up and I would be able to stay in BG, but that didn't happen. With that said, Monday afternoon I packed up my rental truck, said my final good byes and made the 2.5 hour trip from BG to Cleveland.
This is where my journey starts! Can't wait to share the next chapter of my life with you all!
So, for those of you who don't know what is going on, let me catch you up really quick. In June I lost my job at the hospital. I was devastated. I loved my job. I began frantically searching for new work that could keep me in BG. But, I found nothing. I began expanding my search to areas around BG, and still couldn't find anything. It became clear that I wasn't going to find anything that was going to pay me what I needed to make and that was going to give me insurance. So, I made the hard decision to move back to Cleveland and to move in with my dad and step-mom, Gina.
I continued looking for a job even after I had made the decision, just in the event that something popped up last minute. I also heard of a job in Cleveland doing ministry work (which is exactly what I have wanted to do for the last four years). I went on a 5 day interview at Maggie's Place, which is a home for pregnant, unwed mothers. I was completely overwhelmed during the interview. It was 5 days of being watched, judged, and critiqued.
I returned back to BG and anxiously awaited a decision from Maggie's Place to tell me whether I got the job or not. I got a call a week later offering me a position in either Arizona or Cleveland. I was overwhelmed. I ultimately decided to stay in Cleveland, because that's where my family is, and given that I will only be making $350 per month, it didn't seem feasible to come back and visit home if I was all the way in AZ.
So, with a heavy heart, I said good-bye to the friends, family, and community that I have made in Bowling Green. I literally cried every single day before I moved back. I kept telling myself something would come up and I would be able to stay in BG, but that didn't happen. With that said, Monday afternoon I packed up my rental truck, said my final good byes and made the 2.5 hour trip from BG to Cleveland.
This is where my journey starts! Can't wait to share the next chapter of my life with you all!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Humility
Humility. Probably one of the hardest things to master in this world. True humility. I have met a few people that make it look so easy. I strive to be like them. For now, I will stick with struggling through it. They say pride is the deadliest of all sins. I believe that. I know that my pride keeps me from lots of things. It most certainly keeps me from living in the Cross.
I know that my pride often stops me from living as Christ lived. Selflessly. Because of my pride, I often have a hard time accepting help from people. I often have a hard time being open and honest with people because I am afraid of how they are going to respond to me. I often have a hard time being humble when people want to love me and serve me.
Often times I have to say to myself, "Christ knelt down and washed the feet of his 12 disciples, including Judas, who he knew was going to betray him and Peter, who he knew was going to deny him, and yet I can't seem to humble myself to serve someone, or go out of my way to allow someone to help me, or to help that person who has just tried my last nerve." One of the most beautiful moments in the Mass in the entire Liturgical year is at Holy Thursday Mass when the priest washes the feet of 12 congregation members. I was blessed enough to enough to experience this a few years ago. I cried during and after. It was such a humbling and amazing experience. For that brief moment, I was transported back to that night 2000 years ago when Jesus sat in the upper room and washed the feet of the Apostles.
I think one of the things that makes humility so hard is that our society has a problem with weakness. I know I for one grew up in house where it was unacceptable to show weakness. We (especially the girls) were expected to be strong. Not to depend on others, for anything. Going through life with that kind of mentality makes it really hard to be humble in moments of weakness. There is something inside that says "You don't need anyone. You only need yourself. Asking for help is weak." These are all lies that I know I have told myself over the years.
Sometimes the most humble thing is just to fall to your knees, look to heaven and remember that there is nothing that you can do without Christ. It is never easy to make the realization that we are too prideful. Sometimes I have to be knocked of my pedestal a couple dozen times before I realize that I need to remember that all the pride in the world isn't going to stop Christ from loving me and forgiving me.
Humility. I'm gonna keep on struggling towards it.
I know that my pride often stops me from living as Christ lived. Selflessly. Because of my pride, I often have a hard time accepting help from people. I often have a hard time being open and honest with people because I am afraid of how they are going to respond to me. I often have a hard time being humble when people want to love me and serve me.
Often times I have to say to myself, "Christ knelt down and washed the feet of his 12 disciples, including Judas, who he knew was going to betray him and Peter, who he knew was going to deny him, and yet I can't seem to humble myself to serve someone, or go out of my way to allow someone to help me, or to help that person who has just tried my last nerve." One of the most beautiful moments in the Mass in the entire Liturgical year is at Holy Thursday Mass when the priest washes the feet of 12 congregation members. I was blessed enough to enough to experience this a few years ago. I cried during and after. It was such a humbling and amazing experience. For that brief moment, I was transported back to that night 2000 years ago when Jesus sat in the upper room and washed the feet of the Apostles.
I think one of the things that makes humility so hard is that our society has a problem with weakness. I know I for one grew up in house where it was unacceptable to show weakness. We (especially the girls) were expected to be strong. Not to depend on others, for anything. Going through life with that kind of mentality makes it really hard to be humble in moments of weakness. There is something inside that says "You don't need anyone. You only need yourself. Asking for help is weak." These are all lies that I know I have told myself over the years.
Sometimes the most humble thing is just to fall to your knees, look to heaven and remember that there is nothing that you can do without Christ. It is never easy to make the realization that we are too prideful. Sometimes I have to be knocked of my pedestal a couple dozen times before I realize that I need to remember that all the pride in the world isn't going to stop Christ from loving me and forgiving me.
Humility. I'm gonna keep on struggling towards it.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Getting sicker
I found out today that I am getting sicker. My blood clotting disease is getting worse. They have to up my medicine, which is bad because this isn't the kind of medicine that is meant to be taken for long periods of time. I have already been taking it for almost 6 years. In low doses it slowly starts destroying organs in your body. In the amount that I have to take it in, it is literally poisoning me, but there is nothing else that I could take that will keep my blood from clotting.
There are lots of things that I still want to do in my life. Getting married, be a mom, travel, make lots of memories. Most importantly, I want to know that I mattered to someone. That I made a difference in someone's life.
My dad and step-mom want me to move closer to them. At first, I was kind of hesitant to leave BG. I love my life here. I love my family and friends that I have here. I have a wonderful community and beautiful friends and a huge faith based community. The idea of leaving that is terrifying to me. But now, with this news, I am thinking that it might be something worth considering. I think I am going to see what I need to do to find a job out that way, and see what I can find.
I think that I need to work on rebuilding relationships and spend some time with my family. Who knows how much I have left?
I have been hoping for years that this would have gotten better. But since it clearly isn't, then I need to start dealing with it. Dealing with it alone is gonna suck, but I guess this is the path that God has made for me.
The fact that it's getting worse would explain the way that I have been feeling lately. I thought it was just in my head, so I am glad to know that there is a reason for it. Hopefully I will find some ways to combat this and it will hold off on consuming life just a little longer.
I am going to try to apply Fr. Matt's instructions: "Jesus, I trust in You." I just have to keep saying that to myself over and over again.
"Jesus, I trust in you."
There are lots of things that I still want to do in my life. Getting married, be a mom, travel, make lots of memories. Most importantly, I want to know that I mattered to someone. That I made a difference in someone's life.
My dad and step-mom want me to move closer to them. At first, I was kind of hesitant to leave BG. I love my life here. I love my family and friends that I have here. I have a wonderful community and beautiful friends and a huge faith based community. The idea of leaving that is terrifying to me. But now, with this news, I am thinking that it might be something worth considering. I think I am going to see what I need to do to find a job out that way, and see what I can find.
I think that I need to work on rebuilding relationships and spend some time with my family. Who knows how much I have left?
I have been hoping for years that this would have gotten better. But since it clearly isn't, then I need to start dealing with it. Dealing with it alone is gonna suck, but I guess this is the path that God has made for me.
The fact that it's getting worse would explain the way that I have been feeling lately. I thought it was just in my head, so I am glad to know that there is a reason for it. Hopefully I will find some ways to combat this and it will hold off on consuming life just a little longer.
I am going to try to apply Fr. Matt's instructions: "Jesus, I trust in You." I just have to keep saying that to myself over and over again.
"Jesus, I trust in you."
Thursday, December 1, 2011
A Woman's Heart
"Do not underestimate the person you are. You are loved, you are worthy of that love. You are beautiful, you are talented. You deserve to be the Beauty in a fairytale. You are never alone. You have a stregth that cannot be taken away. God is your shield. He will be with you, and you will be His warrior. You are needed. Guard your heart. You heart holds the desires of your inmost being. Give it to God alone. Allow Him to fill your every thought and desire. Do not be ashamed. Do not dear. Do not worry. The Lord alone is sufficient. Praise His everlasting and glorious name. Smile, and give thanks. Love like you have never loved before. Become an instrument for the hands of our God. Let Him have you, all of you. Give Him everything. Do not hold back, for it is in the Lord that we find peace and joy. Do not cry because it's over, but smile because it happened. Amen!"
These are not my words. They are from my beautiful Sister Aimee. She has such an amazing heart and loves on me while I am trying to mend mine.
Last night, while in adoration, I just started balling and couldn't stop. Four songs, silence, benediction. Just uncontrollable sobbing. It's been awhile since I have done that. My heart felt like it had been ripped out and trampled on. I didn't like the feeling.
This morning, I finally found the strength(from where, I have no idea) to listen to a CD Aimee made me over the summer called "Healing." As I am sure you can imagine...there has been more crying. Some songs on there are "This Is Where The Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North, "For Good" by Idina Menzel, "Best Days are Ahead of Me" by Danny Gokey, and "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. I'm not so sure what it has done just yet, but hopefully something comes from it.
As a woman, I know that we are prone to lots of emotions that appear out of nowhere. Emotions that catch us off guard, much like what happens when we fall in love. It catches us completely off guard and there is nothing we can do about it. It's like a virus and once it infects you, there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Thank you, God. Thank you for letting me love. Even in the midst of wanting to close my heart off and never open it back up again, I am thankful for being able to love. God is so good. I have ever reason not to love and trust, and yet, God shows me that there is still a reason. His Son. So, thank you for that.
"I would have loved you even if I had never met you." One of my favorite quotes from a romantic movie. I think our hearts know who they are supposed to love in our life and God puts those people there when the time is right. And maybe it's not to love forever, but maybe it's to love for just a short while, until we get to where we are supposed to be.
I could have loved you forever.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The Sum of My Past Mistakes
I didn't know that my heart could break this much, but it did. I always knew that someday the mistakes of my past would come back to haunt me. I jut never expected it to hurt so much when they did.
To say that I wasn't living a Christian lifestyle for a few years would be an understatement. I was drinking all the time, having sex with my boyfriends, even a couple one night stands. I am not proud of these things or the way that I used to live my life, but I know that I am no longer that person. I had been looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. I had grown up never hearing that I was beautiful, feeling unloved by my parents, especially my dad, who was not only physically but emotionally absent from my life. I am not making excuses for the bad choices that I made in my life, but not having someone to show and tell me what love really looks like, it made it really easy to try to find it in all the wrong places.
I had been made to believe that because I am a different person, and I have been made a new creation in Christ, that my past sins were no longer what defined who I am. Well, apparently I was misinformed. I will forever be identified by the sum of my past mistakes.
Maybe someday, there will be someone that can love me for the mistakes I've made and will love me in spite of them, and instead of not loving me because of them. I have never felt that I deserved to be loved and now I know why. It's a painful truth that I have to come to accept.
In John a woman is brought to Jesus who was caught in the act of adultery. The Pharisees wanted to test Jesus, so they asked Him what should be done to her. Jesus states that the first person who is without sin could be the first to cast a stone. One by one people began walking away. By His own words Jesus was the only one who could have thrown a stone at her. However, instead of condemning her He tells her to go, and sin no more. If Jesus, who was like us in all ways but sin, can not only not condemn a woman, who by his own words he should have, but also forgave her, then I should also be forgiven, no? This passage was my penance once. I didn't understand the importance of it at the time. Now I understand it was probably one of the better penances I have ever received.
One of the only things worse than the actual shame of having lived this lifestyle, is to know that it will follow me wherever I go.
To say that I wasn't living a Christian lifestyle for a few years would be an understatement. I was drinking all the time, having sex with my boyfriends, even a couple one night stands. I am not proud of these things or the way that I used to live my life, but I know that I am no longer that person. I had been looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. I had grown up never hearing that I was beautiful, feeling unloved by my parents, especially my dad, who was not only physically but emotionally absent from my life. I am not making excuses for the bad choices that I made in my life, but not having someone to show and tell me what love really looks like, it made it really easy to try to find it in all the wrong places.
I had been made to believe that because I am a different person, and I have been made a new creation in Christ, that my past sins were no longer what defined who I am. Well, apparently I was misinformed. I will forever be identified by the sum of my past mistakes.
Maybe someday, there will be someone that can love me for the mistakes I've made and will love me in spite of them, and instead of not loving me because of them. I have never felt that I deserved to be loved and now I know why. It's a painful truth that I have to come to accept.
In John a woman is brought to Jesus who was caught in the act of adultery. The Pharisees wanted to test Jesus, so they asked Him what should be done to her. Jesus states that the first person who is without sin could be the first to cast a stone. One by one people began walking away. By His own words Jesus was the only one who could have thrown a stone at her. However, instead of condemning her He tells her to go, and sin no more. If Jesus, who was like us in all ways but sin, can not only not condemn a woman, who by his own words he should have, but also forgave her, then I should also be forgiven, no? This passage was my penance once. I didn't understand the importance of it at the time. Now I understand it was probably one of the better penances I have ever received.
One of the only things worse than the actual shame of having lived this lifestyle, is to know that it will follow me wherever I go.
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