So, this may be more details then some of you will want to read, so feel free to click your way out of here if that's the case.So, I started my period this morning. Of which I am grateful for, because that means everything is working just as it should in my body. Of course, this means that I have cramps and nausea that comes with this blessed event. I am trying really hard to be thankful for those things as well, because I know that someday, in the future, I hope I will be rejoicing just the same for not starting my period (this will of course be after I am married). Up until recently, I realized that I have taken for granted something that is supposed to be part of who I am.
Years ago my doctor put me on birth control to try to regulate my cycle and to help with my cramps (I used to get them so badly that I literally would be curled in the fetal position for hours, unable to move because I was in so much pain). I lost the perfect attendance award in high school not for being sick, but because I would have to stay home one day every month (if I started on a school day). Now, I will willing admit that while I was on the birth control, my cycle was regular, and I barely got cramps when I started my period. Perfect.
NOT!!!!
While these "problems" sorted themselves out, I found a whole slew of new problems. Problems that made cramps and an irregular cycle look like a piece of cake.
For those of you who don't know, this is what I was diagnosed with while taking birth control. http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/aps/
The picture that I uploaded shows exactly what my leg looks like as a result of the blood clotting condition that I have. And, yes. It is just as painful as it looks.
Today, as I am sitting in bed with a rice sock on my belly, trying to get rid of my cramps, I am reminded of what I have lost, what I will never have, and trying to maintain hope of what I dream to one day have. Often when I look at my friends as they get married and begin having babies, I ask myself, "Is there a man out there that could love someone that is physically scared? Is there a man out there who could love a woman who might not be able to give him biological children? Is there a man out there who understands that his wife could have a stroke at any time because of a stupid mistake she made when she was young?" These are all questions that I have been asking myself for years. They are not easily answered either.
Someday, I hope that I will find the answers to these questions. Until then, I will try to maintain faith and hope, and trust in an all knowing, and all powerful God who is filled with mercy and grace.
