Here Comes the Dirty 30

So, as past posts indicate, I seem to always post a new blog right before my birthday. Well, as history seems to repeat itself, with my birthday a little over a week away, here is a new blog post.

I am sitting here, pondering all the things in my life that are going on and how different my life as turned out from where I thought I would be by now. I have an amazingly wonderful, kind, generous, loving, Godly man, who loves me and treats me so truly well. He has spent the last 4 months showing me that I not only am worthy of being loved and and cared for, but loving me and caring for me so well. He cares for my heart in ways that I didn't even know that I needed and he loves me in ways that I never imagined I could be loved. He accepts me for me and doesn't try to change me or make me into something that I am not.

We have a beautiful new apartment that we are slowing making into our home, together. It's not big, it's not fancy, but it's ours. Ours with Lucy, where we will continue building memories together and building our life together. We are learning our strengths and weaknesses about each other and learning what it's like not to be able to sleep through the night because you have a needy child that wakes you up in the middle of the night (the cat, not an actual baby).

I have a job where I am learning and growing daily. Every day is a challenge and everyday there is a new trial of patience and dealing with difficult customers and co workers. I am enjoying learning about cars, and even getting to work on them sometimes with the awesome technicians that I work with. Being a woman in my line of work can be challenging and rough because sometimes it is assumed that you don't know what you are talking about: well, let me assure you, that is not the case here. I ask questions, I am learning and growing.

I am learning to be strong, to be brave, and not to allow my past to define me. I have been through more hurt, struggles, pain, and sadness than most people will ever know in a lifetime. I've learned that finding someone who loves me through that and in spite of those things is amazing and truly a gift from God to be cherished and not taken for granted. The hurts and pains of my past will always be apart of who I am because they have shaped me and made me into who I am, but they do not rule my life and they do not get to dictate how I live my life now.

At some point you have to decide that you are going to live life on your terms, and not by what others try to define for you. I have always struggled with comparison and comparing myself to others and things they have that I don't or the things that I wanted and don't have yet. Life is coming together in ways that I never imagined, and I am loving this journey God has be on right now. I realized when I stopped comparing myself to others I was finally able to see all the amazing gifts and glory that God had given to me and was bestowing in my life.

I am a week away from celebrating my 30th birthday, and I am glad to see my 20's go. Not because they were so horrible, though I did experience great loss and more growth than I ever imagined, I am so excited to see what the next 10 years of my life have to offer. I imagine that they will be nothing short of amazing and full of more growth and trials. Can't wait to see the amazing plans God reveals to me.

Happy Birthday to me!!!!

How to weather the storm of being let down?

I've often wondered how people come to terms with never being given the desire of their hearts. Whether it's to finish college, get married, own a house debt free, travel the world, or fill in any of the other countless blanks that are on people's bucket lists. For me, this desire is to have children of my own. Many of you reading this might be really surprised by the fact actually, but through growing and maturing these past few years God has changed my heart in so many ways. Now the thing that I desire more than anything else is the one thing that I will never have.

Being at an age where many of my friends (a lot of them younger than me) are getting married and having babies has been a constant struggle and ache on my heart. While I am and will always be joyful and happy for them, there will ALWAYS be the small part of my heart that is so jealous and sad because I want that so much. God has brought so many children into my life to redeem the fear and self doubt that I have carried around for years about my desire to even be a mom. 

There is a time every month that I sob my eyes out. Every month I am faced with the harsh reality that I will never carry a child of my own. That I will never feel a life grow inside of me. That I will never hear MY baby's heartbeat for the first time on the sonogram machine. I will never get to argue with my husband over baby names (Olivia Rose for a girl and James Andrew for a boy). I will never get to know the reward and triumph of holding my baby in my arms after struggling to labor and birth them for hours. Every month I suffer through the hassle of being a woman, but will never get to experience the reward of that, and it is enough to bring me to tears every month, usually more than once.

I know that there are many woman who struggle with not being able to have children, and please know of my deep prayers and sorrow for you. I just don't know how to not be angry at God sometimes. It almost seems cruel and mean that he would change my heart in this way and then not give me the very thing that he taught me to desire. I am spent many hours in spiritual direction trying to process this through many tears, much anger, and prayer. And I still come up feeling empty, lost, and alone. 

Sometimes I feel as though I am being punished (though in my heart I know that is not how God works, sometimes our hearts and our brains aren't always in sync). I want to know how people come to deal with not getting the desires that are written so boldly on their hearts?

Working on ME!

I haven't posted in quite some time. To say that this year has been very different than what I expected would be an understatement.

I started off the year in a very dysfunctional relationship, not really sure where things were heading with it, but I knew it wasn't healthy, but yet for some reason that made it all the more appealing to me. Ever notice that is typically the way it works in life? The more we know we shouldn't have something, the more we want it? I guess that is also part of being broken humans.

I wasn't financially in a good situation, at least not as good as I would have liked to have been in due to some unforeseen medical issues. I was super blessed in my living situation, so I wasn't as bad off as I could have been, but I wasn't where I wanted to be.

I was struggling at work. I was struggling with my purpose and feeling like I was making a difference. I was struggling with feeling like I somehow didn't belong there. I had been the new kid on the block and I was having a hard time finding my place and feeling like I fit in, which as it turned out, I do!

All of these things to say, I am sitting here, halfway through the 2014, and less than a month before my 28th birthday! OMGoodness! I am going to be 28! I need a moment to freak out about this detail in my life! I look around at some of my friends, and I think about how unaccomplished I am in my life. But then I ask, "Unaccomplished according to who? By whose standards?" I am have a beautiful life. I have 2 full time jobs, a part time job, I have my wonderful friends, I have my sister, Virtue, who I am not sure if it is safe for us to be together in public with the things that come out of our mouths! I have lots of other family that supports me as well.

I am excited to see what the next 6 months of 2014 bring my way! I cannot believe how things have changed in just a few short months! I am in such a better place financially, and for the first time, actually have money in the bank. And not just a few dollars until pay day. Like real money. With zeros behind it! I have felt so fulfilled at the end of the school year when my student was promoted to 1st grade! I helped with that! It made it all seem worth it!

As far as not fitting in at work....I think I kicked that stupid thought to the curb. I have found so many good people at my jobs and I have been blessed to get to know them and journey through the school year with them! They have been so supportive and encouraging to me when I was struggling! That support meant so much to me!

And lastly, the relationship- while I wish I could say that we were able to stay friends, that wasn't the case, and I realized I deserve better than what I was settling for. I am working on me and trust that when God is ready to show me the man that is meant to pursue me and that is worth trusting with my heart, that He will. For now, it's all about having fun and getting ready to celebrate my birthday MONTH! That's right, I get a whole month!

5 Stages of Grieving -Anger

Anger is not an emotion that I usually care to spend much time on. In fact, out of all the emotions, only next to jealousy, it is the one I care for the least. Yet, somehow, Satan knows this, and is really working at keeping me at anger this week.

I find myself struggling through the grieving process over the loss of a friendship. No, this person did not die, but I am realizing that I need to be more obedient to what God calls us to do in Scripture. He tells us that it's okay to prune people out of our lives that don't bear fruit. This is something that I have struggled with for many years in my life.

I always give people second, third, fourth, twentieth chances. I keep allowing people into my life, even after they continue to hurt me. Somehow I feel like that is what I am supposed to do because I am a Christian and it's what God would want me to do. What I am realizing though, is that I am also God's chosen and beloved daughter and God would NEVER want me sobbing my eyes out because I've been hurt and broken so many times by the very people that swore they would never hurt me in the ways that I'd been hurt my whole life.

It's funny how Satan works in that way. He finds the very insecurities you struggle with the most, and uses them to break you down. I have chosen to keep trusting, despite being broken down over and over again. Anger has finally gotten the best of me. I went through Depression. Depression lasted only for a short time. Literally, a night. Anger came in the morning, and hasn't left. And from where I am sitting, it doesn't look like it plans on going anywhere any time soon.

I suspect Denial and bargaining are going to come about the same time. They are going to be equally difficult to deal with and I know that Satan is going to try to trick me into believing that I am not doing the right thing by ending this friendship. Sometimes people don't bear fruit into your life and it's okay to prune those people out of your life.

Usually my anger disappears as quickly as it comes on. I process through the situation in my head, pray about it, and then move on from it. This time, the more I process through it, the angrier I become. The more I pray about it, the angrier I become. I don't know what the difference is this time.

I am almost welcoming denial and bargaining. Anger seems to want to control everything. From daily conversations, prayer time, to even me being agitated with the cat for no reason.

Go Away ANGER!

Bucket List-What I've accomplished!

This is a list of some of the things I hope to accomplish in this life! Some of them I have already done, but I am hoping to make 2013 a year that I get to cross quite a few more of these off the list!

1. Go to Europe. More specifically Ireland and Italy.
2. Ride a motorcycle *
3. Get engaged.
4. Get married.
5. Have/adopt children.
6. Own a house
7. Watch The Lord of the Ring trilogy
8. Read Chronicles of Narnia
9. Go to a Browns game *
10. Go bungee jumping *
11. Go to Times Square for New Years Eve
12. See New York City at Christmas time
13. Own a new car
14. Get my degree
15. Be kissed at midnight on New Year's Eve
16. Beat Steve in Scrabble *
17. Get bangs *
18. Wear a bikini on my honeymoon
19. Skinny dip in the ocean
20. Be in two places at once
21. Get a tattoo *
22. Own every season of ER, JAG, OTH, and SVU
23. Polar Plunge
24. Eat seafood & like it *
25. Be a godmother *
26. Be loved
27. Make a difference

I hope to add more to this list, as things come to me. For now, I think this is a good place to start!

Social Etiquette

So, there has to be something said for people's lack of social etiquette these days. Today, in the course of doing my work, someone asked me when I am due? Now, I understand that I work at a home for pregnant women, but I don't think that gives people the right to just blurt that question out. This isn't the first time that I have been asked that question.

No, I am not stick thin. Yes, I have a belly. Does that give people the right to make such ignorant remarks? I don't think so. It's interesting to me that the older generation complains about younger generations and how rude they are, but they are forgetting one thing. The younger generations were raised by the older generations that have a problem with us! Go figure.

I know this might not seem like a big deal, but I just find it ridiculous that people seem to think it's okay to say whatever is on their mind, no matter how offensive.

This is just some food for thought. Feel free to comment and let me know what you think. :)

It's Time

Okay, I think it's time to make my feelings on this issue known. I have held my tongue for a few years now, but I'm done. I think people assume that it doesn't bother me when they make comments or criticize me, or judge me. But let me say this: it does. What am I speaking about, you may ask. Well, I'll tell you.

Yes, I did go to college. For 4 years. Yes, I do have lots of school loans from going to college for those four years. Yes, I did learn a lot while I was in college. No. I don't have a college degree. Does that somehow make you better than me? Does that somehow make me inferior to you? Does that somehow give you the right to make fun of me and judge me? I wouldn't think so, but apparently it does.

There are many things that contributed to me not having a college degree. And perhaps instead of making fun of me, or judging me, you should ask me about those things. I am not trying to make excuses for why I don't have a degree or why I have $30,000+ in school loans and no degree, but I think it is only the polite thing to do to ask instead of judging.

Yes, I do have plans to go back and finish my degree. Yes, I do have a job right now that doesn't pay me hardly anything. No, I don't own a car, my own house or apartment. Yes, I do think those things are important, but do I think they are the be all, end all of life? NO!

While we are talking about the be all end all of things...do I think a degree is the be all end all of life? NO! Having a degree doesn't say anything about who I am as a person. It doesn't measure my intelligence, it doesn't measure my ability to care for others, and it certainly doesn't make you better than me.

This is just some food for thought for the people who may have been among the people that have done this. Just think about how the things you say about a person can effect their self esteem and their feelings of self worth.

A quote I read the other day that I think seems appropriate here: "Don't judge her. You don't know what storms I've asked her to walk through."